It's giving me thirsts so hard to satisfy.
Now in freefall; post-exam emptiness, falling through a conceptual space. Thrashing about completely useless where there are no directions any more to go in anyway. The metric of space has gone walkies, and all there is is falling. Words are useless; all that is said gets sucked away by the passing wind into the directionless space. And besides, all the words you try to say get turned into a kind of hoarse meaningless yell by the pressure on your chest.
I'm not generally very good at hope. I tend to view it as something one has before one takes all the variables into account; the future is either in the short-term on rails and unchoosable, or suddenly or long-term something that is concealed by mist; just occasional india-ink brushstrokes outline key shapes, which only serves to deepen the shadows. Then when you finally fall through the cloud layer and see the fields and farms of the future before you there is time for just one "Oh shi-" before you hit it, hard, and everything, bones and all, breaks again. I fear it. Please stay to see it. Please don't leave me falling. We are surrounded by clouds and falling. Everything anyone builds sooner or later falls down. What have we done to the vastness of space that it hates us so?
We are all proofs of something. Maybe eventually just of entropy. "Hey baby, want to see my logical implication." Things can only meaninfully be ordered by causality; whether you admit an acausal principal is somewhat beside the point, since if it's acausal it isn't subject to most of the rules anyway. "For all the points of the compass there's only one direction, and time is its only measure." Every second is another triumph of logic over humanity. Sometimes I think the only purpose of being human is to act as a FUCK YOU to logic, but... I don't really know how to do that. Just about all my emotions are wired into "blind panic" at present.
Shit, it's like emo, but with less blood and more calculus.
"ex is walking down the road when it runs into a large number of functions running the other way..."
One thing I've noticed as well is the level of reality that I assign to the physical world seems to be going kinda downhill, for some reason. Or rather, becoming less detailed. Like light is a hypothesis or something. In danger of drowning in abstractions. Abstractions raised like barricades against panic? Fuck knows. All that is real in ... reality, I suppose, seems to be the sound of water, the feel of wind in my hair, the cold air on my hands, and the people I care about. The rest is hypothetical.